Beg to Defer

As some of you know, I've done two NYC marathons -- '07 and '08 -- and am qualified and signed up for '09. But as some of my very patient running friends also know, I've had zero enthusiasm for '09. No push, no drive, no go-get-em. To top it off, my long runs were kicking my ass, thanks to my extra particular hatred of July and August training.

After what felt like the millionth terrible attempt at building my distance, I finally started asking myself some questions. Why am I doing this again this year? What do I want? And perhaps most importantly, what's it going to feel like if I ... don't run the marathon?

A few half-jokes with running friends ("Will you still talk to me if I don't run this year?") plus a long phone call with my mother led me to spend a weekend as if I'd already deferred. Just to see how it felt.

It felt amazing. I was finally able to answer that first question with certainty: I'd planned to run again this year because I'd felt like a failure when I'd stopped to walk in those other two marathons. And that's crazy. Lots of people walk, and never in a MILLION YEARS would I call any one of them a failure. You cross the finish line, you did it.

And the second question got an answer, too: I want to feel good about running. I want to be strong, and happy, and, let's face it, 10 lbs lighter. I can get all of that at distances that make me happy, that suit my strengths. The marathon was actually never on my bucket list. You meet other runners and they inspire you to try new lengths and challenges, and that's awesome, that's the joy of the sport. But I've done the training -- twice -- and gotten myself from the Verrazano Bridge to Central Park -- twice -- and I need to feel good about that.

I definitely worry that I'm wimping out. But that's the beauty of deferral; if I show up to cheer on my super-speedy husband on November 1st and think, "Damn, I wish I were out there," I can gear up for 2010. For now, if anyone wants to go for a 5-mile loop and a margarita, you know where to find me!